The True loss of the Time War
by Elphie of Heartshaven
Summary: The pain caused by Rose being trapped in a parallel universe was no secret, but losing the girl he had grown to perhaps love came on the heels of another agonizing loss. The Time War cost so much more than Galifrey, it cost Romana. REVISED & FINSISHED
1. Leela's Grave

** After almost six months, True Loss is officially FINISHED! I've gone back through and reproofread all the chapters and added a few new things and changed some canon so it made more sense. I hope I can get my blog udated to start talking about my whole process writing the story in my Beyond the Keyboard section. **

**I hope you enjoy it, and it you do, please review! ;)**

**Oh yeah, I don't own gos se, otherwise River Song would have been Romana, and I'd be a very RICH bitch. **

* * *

_"It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go_  
_But I'm doin' It_  
_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_  
_Still Harder_  
_Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret_  
_But I know if I could do it over_  
_I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart_  
_That I left unspoken"_

_WHAT HURTS THE MOST- RASCAL FLATTS_

* * *

The Doctor and Rose were laughing at their soon to be victory over the Daleks and the Cyberman. They smiled at each other in triumph as they watched the creatures flying past them at unbelievable speed to their "deaths". It seemed like they were in the home stretch, and the battle was about to be won.

And then the unthinkable happened.

He was focused on the enormous grin on Rose's face, even with the prospect of never seeing her mother again, she was beyond elation to be fighting here with him, to be here with him period- and he was glad to be here fighting with her. Just as he was about to give her thumbs up and a wink, his attention suddenly turned to a screaming Dalek.

In the mass of Daleks and Cybermen being sucked through the breech, many were flying in all directions, spinning and soaring almost every which way but straight, and as he watched the path this Dalek was taking, he began frantically praying, "No, no, no, oh please no…." If his calculations of the flight patter and speed of the Dalek were correct, it was going to hit-

The breech systems lever sparked and smoked the instant the eyestalk of the flying Dalek collided with it. The lever unlocked and bounced back as a female voice called "SYSTEMS OFFLINE".

As the speed of the air bourn monsters began to slow alarmingly, Rose and the Doctor looked each other in panic. The Doctor tried to swing his balance on the weight so that he could reach his sonic screwdriver, but before he could get to it, Rose had sprung into action, and was swinging from her own weight grabbing hold of the lever.

"Be carful!" he yelled over the roar of the breech.

"I have to get it back online!" she shouted as she struggled to force the lever back upright.

It felt like an eternity that the Doctor held his breath before Rose finally managed to reposition the lever and the female voice announced "SYSTENS ONLINE AND LOCKED". Maybe, just maybe, they had a chance of finishing this safely…

He had thought too soon.

As the momentum of the Daleks and Cybermen began to pick up again, so did the amount of force pulling Rose backward. She began to panic and struggle to keep her feet on the floor, but it was pointless. Her body soon stretched straight outward, feet pointed to the breech, waiting to be pulled in any second. She cried out helplessly, looking to the Doctor in fear, hoping for some kind, ANY kind of help, her grip loosening until she was clinging to the lever with only one hand.

"HOLD ON!" he yelled, stretching out a useless hand towards her...

Rose screamed as her fingers finally slipped from the handle.

"ROSE!" the Doctor screamed as he watched his companion, the girl he had grown to love, soar toward her eternity in hell…

And for an instant, he found another life flashing before his eyes, not Rose's, but his own, a past life. And while Rose was falling to certain death, The Doctor was almost surprised he didn't call out the name of another lost companion-

_Romana…_

* * *

It was over two hundred years ago, during the last Great Time War. He hated the fact that legends called it the last "great" Time War. There had been nothing about _great_ about it. He had lost everything, his home, his heritage, his family, his best friend- and the woman he loved.

Night had fallen on Gallifrey, the clouds of smoke from the destruction of most of the structures of the capitol and homes of Time Lords no longer allowed the skies to be filled with the wondrous stars of the galaxies the ancient civilization had watched over for a billion years. The only lights visible were those from the Dalek battle saucers and the battle TARDISes of the Time Lords attempting to overtake them. Fires burned thought the night so brightly, that the flaming ground could be mistaken for the orange skies that graced the planet during the day, It was almost Ironic in a way, while the sky shown burnt orange during the day, the ground below your feet could mimic the dark grey and balk mass that hung above you head doing the seemingly endless nights.

The Doctor had come to terms about what he must do come morning light, and he had come to the outlands to say one final goodbye to old friends before he carried out his final act of war.

Leela had been buried next to her husband Andred a hundred years ago. She had fought valiantly during the first few hundred years of the war. The Sevateem warrior never ran away in fear from the ancient enemy of the people she had lived with for decades. While other species felt the implications of the war, Leela was the only alien in the thick of the fighting, and she vowed never to betray the people of Gallifrey, even if many of them often thought her a stupid savage. Gallifrey had been her home, and she would die fighting for it if she had to. Sadly, she had paid the ultimate price for her dedication.

"I think she would have loved to have the chance for another go at Rassilon", a soft voice mused from behind him.

The Doctor turned, Romana was making her way up the hill, her expression was just as tired as his was. It seemed like so long ago when she once looked so beautiful in her presidential regalia. Her rose scarlet and amber orange robes accentuating her small slender body, and the large elaborate Gallifrey collar framing her gentle, sweet face and long silky blonde hair. Now her amour was dented, and her clothing was blackened, and torn, her hair that she had cut to just above her shoulders was disheveled, and the hand she carried her helmet in was bandaged. But even while she was obviously as worn and weary from war as he was, her dark eyes still sparkled with girlish adventure and womanlike fire. Yet, in her tousled tired state, she was still every bit as beautiful to him as she had been so many years ago when he first laid eyes on her current form.

The Doctor had to smile. "I don't doubt it. She always loved a good challenge, and she would have been infuriated to know we didn't finish the job last time around," he said recalling the last time he, Charley, Leela, and Romana encountered Rassilon, when the Doctor had become Rassilon's monster Zagreus. Now looking back, he might have preferred to stay in the anti-time universe with Charley and C'rizz, than have returned to Gallifrey many years later to participate in the Time Lord's ultimate undoing. His face returned to a sullen expression. "I think you and Leela eventually grew closer than she and I ever had. You had more time together."

"You had twice the impact on her life that I did Doctor. She wouldn't have even stayed here after Andred died if wasn't for her dedication to you and what you stood for", Romana said with upmost sincerity. She gave him a firm look for a long moment, and then glanced down at Leela's grave. She sighed and then peered around at the fiery hell that had once been the beautiful Gallifrey both and she and the Doctor knew and loved. "What is time anyway? It's something I think far too many of us took for granted."

He focused his gaze across the horizon at the shattered glass dome of the citadel. "Maybe without time we wouldn't be in this mess", he said coldly,

Her eyes were fixed on him again, holding the same stern expression. "How can you say that? Are you saying you would trade in all the adventures you and your companions shared? That you and Leela shared?" She paused, "That you and I shared?"

She had left him speechless, yet again; it was a quality he always admired, even in the midst of his darkest hours. He knew she was right, even though the emotional side of him might not want admit it, his common sense that had always served him just as wisely, knowing that he must proceed with his plans, or else the lives and trials of all those he had encountered over the years, like Leela, would be in vain.

He finally met Romana's eyes, his own gray-blue searching for strength in the soft brown of his closest friend. She softened her glare and gave him the tender look that always calmed his nerves. "You're right Romana, I apologize." The Doctor looked away from Romana, hanging his head out of his own discontent with himself. "I'm just on edge. After everything, it still has to come to this. The hundreds of years we've spent fighting this damned war, all that effort in trying to finally defeat the Daleks once and for all, and all that came of it was bloodshed. A billion years of Time Lord History, all to be destroyed." He was almost to the point of tears now, out of tiredness and frustration, he slumped down on top of Leela's grave.

Romana sat down on her knees next to him and placed her warm palm against his cheek, pushing his dark blonde curls aside. "Leela would understand" she reassured him. "As do I ".

He wanted so badly to trust her, to embrace her and understand that no matter the outcome, she wouldn't stand in his way, and she would ultimately be grateful for the gruesome task he had to perform, but the stress and anger and guilt writhing through him was his emotional fight. He placed his hand on top of hers, and guided it away from his face.

"How can you Romana? No one could ever imagine the burden I am forced to bare for the rest of my life, and those hereafter if by some miracle I survive this ordeal." He sighed looking up at the starless night. "How could anyone understand what it's like to be the destroyer of two almighty civilizations, one being my own? I've seen worlds destroyed before. Fire and death explode across the stars, reaching out and out and out, hopelessly reaching for salvation from the deadly inferno blazing across the cosmos. Brilliant colors of light streaming in all directions, forcing the eye to never look away from the gruesome scene; that light begging to die away like that of the lives that have been taken, fading faster and faster until the gaping blackness eats away at your soul. I would never wish that fate on anyone Romana, ever. And now, here I am, the man they call the Oncoming storm and Time's Champion, on the eve of watching that happen to my own planet, my own people."

His voice began to grow hot with anger, "And of course some would ask 'why does it have to be you?' I have to do it, because I am the savior of the universe, because I am the one destiny calls upon, just because in the last hours of their lives So many Time Lords still fail to see what a billion years of all pomp and no action has gotten them. So many on the High Council like Valyes are so convinced of the doctrine of Rassilon, They believe that he really was a bloody saint. And here he is, raised from the dead to save us! So many are absolutely petrified of the Daleks, they put all their faith in the man who they practically believe to be God!" The Doctor gestured out towards to devastation that lay before him. "All hail Rassilon, the fucking founder of our civilization! Forget the fact that he's a psychopathic egomaniac on his own mission to destroy not only Gallifrey, but the whole dammed universe with it, he can make the Daleks go away!"

He looked to Romana in hopes she would comfort him after he finally choked out his last sentence. "How can you understand what it's like to be alone to go against everything you've ever been taught, to do the unthinkable because you know have to save lives? And to be alone at that very moment?"

Romana only smiled, leaned in close to the Doctor and took his hand in hers.

"You won't be alone. "


	2. Times Have Changed, and So Have I

_"If I smile and don't believe_  
_Soon I know I'll wake from this dream_  
_Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken_  
_Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide_  
_Don't cry"_

_HELLO- EVANESCENCE_

* * *

He should have learned. He never should have let Romana go with him in the first place, but his need and love for her, and her stubborn will, had gotten the best of him. And now, he let his feelings for Rose, and her own dedication to him took over once again, and It had cost him yet another companion.

He was convinced he was keeping Rose out of harms way when he sent her to the parallel universe with Pete, Jackie, Mickey, and all the others, but Rose had Ideas of her own. Her love and devotion to him had grown so strong that she had her heart set on never leaving him alone in a fight, ever.

When a whooshing sound hit the air and Rose appeared with in a flash of white, somewhere in the back of the Doctor's subconscious played the Image of Romana walking up the hill towards him. His hearts sank, in his immediate state of mind for Rose, but a tiny piece of his subconscious echoed_, don't let this happen again Doctor…_

He found himself agreeing with the voice in his head, and began protesting with Rose. "Once the breech collapses, that's it. You will never be able to see her again, your own mother!" He found himself shaking with furry, not all directed at Rose, mostly at himself for not preventing this somehow.

Rose only looked him with the same amount of authority, never blinking once, just as Romana had back on Gallifrey. She adopted the same firm but calming voice and said, "I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never gonna leave you. "

They looked at each other for one solid moment, the Doctor looking into Rose's eyes, finding that she meant every word, and that she loved him, and she was never going to abandon that love. He began to let the tension in his body loosen as he gave into her demands. He found that he had come to a point that if he denied his affection for her any longer, it would be unjust to both of them, and maybe it was safe to lessen his shell on his emotions.

And all because he gave into one moment, one brief unsaid understanding between them, he had made another deadly mistake. He decided to give into his feelings about Rose, and it weakened his ability to protect her, just as his allowance for his feelings for Romana had lead him to fail her…

* * *

"What… what do you mean Romana?" the Doctor asked stunned, He knew the answer, but he didn't want to even think about what she had been implying.

She shot him her trademark mischievous grin. "You didn't think I was actually going to let you get through this on your own did you?"

He took his hand away from her grasp that had been so welcome only moments ago. "No Romana, absolutely not". He still saw her as the young innocent Gallifreyan girl fresh out the academy, full of curiosity and wonder, and still blind to the true horrors of life outside the safety of the Citadel. He was still bound and determined to protect her no matter what, even if she had grown older and wiser since the first time they met. He knew that what the destruction of Gallifrey was going to do to him, but he was a hardened soul whose emotional wounds would heal and leave only scars that he could one day hide from him self, but he couldn't even imagine how the loss of her home would affect Romana. He was the stone wall meant to last for centuries, never failing, never falling, but in the back of his mind, she was still his delicate flower. He could recover, and live with his burden and carry it for the rest of his lives, but he was terrified that the same burden just might crush and burry her beautiful soul.

Sensing what the Doctor was thinking, Romana stiffened her posture and said flatly, "and why not Doctor? Surely you're still not trying to protect me?"

He began to stand as he looked down at her. "Yes Romana, I am. I have more than four hundred years on you, and I have seen much more experience than you do". He knelt back down on one knee to her level so he could look into her face. "Romana, I have been through more than you could ever imagine, and when I said I would never wish the fate of watching worlds burn on anyone, I meant it. I certainly am not looking forward to watching Gallifrey disappear into ashes and stardust myself, and I cannot bear to have you see and feel that with me". He took her now clenched fist and clasped it between his hands. "Please Romana, as friend, I am begging you to let me do this on my own. "

She yanked away her hand and stood over him. "You are so full of shit Doctor, and you know it. "

With that he knew he was in for an earful.

"You think I haven't experienced as much as you have because you've been gallivanting across the cosmos all your lives, and because I am younger than you I am ignorant about life." she pointed a finger on her bandaged hand. "Well let me tell you something Doctor, I am not a girl any more.'

'Who had to face the Black Guardian? I did. Who was captured and accused of being a spy on Skaro? I was. Who was kidnapped by the Daleks and held prisoner for _twenty years? _I was! Who fought against Rassilon while you were possessed by Zagreus and poor Charley was left in scattered bits of time and your memory? Leela, K-9, and I did. Who actually stayed in their post as president to fight the evils of Pandora and Free time? I did. '

'Who watched as most of my fleet were engulfed in flames after being shot down by Daleks and then swallowed by the Nightmare Child? I did. Who tried to save Narvin from loosing his mind at the hand of the Skaro Degradations and then watched him die? I did." There was an air of smugness in her voice as she continued, "Who saved your ass from the vortex ripping you limb from limb when the Horde of Travesties got out of hand? If it wasn't for my ability to fly your own TARDIS better then you sometimes, your timeline would have been all but demolished, and you mind completely frazzled to say the least". He knew she was right, if it wasn't for her impeccable thinking and timing, he would most likely be insane, if not dead.

The Doctor knew he was about to loose this fight, as he did with most arguments with Romana, but he had to try. "Romana, please, listen to me, I'm not say-"

She laughed. "I know what you are trying to say Doctor, and it's not going to work. I know that you still want to see me as the young girl who walked into your TARDIS without a clue about life beyond the books I had my nose buried in. I'm not; I've done just as much as living as you have. You think that I haven't seen horrors in my life?" she took a deep breath and gathered her thoughts. "You saw what happened in the Matrix when we fought Zagreus. The vision of myself becoming the dictator of Gallifrey, of the universe, holding all that power, just the thought scared me". She gave him the same look of searching for understanding he had given her. "Think of how it was to be taken over by Zagreus, how powerless you felt. I didn't understand at first, but then when Pandora took over my mind, it was terrifying. I had fought so hard to bring Gallifrey forward, but instead all I ended up doing was dragging it backward, I created the civil war between my supporters and those of Pandora and Darkel,"

She sighed. "You have to understand Doctor, I have seen my home destroyed before, by my own doing. It was because of me the Free Time virus rampaged though out Gallifrey, killing thousand's of people. And all I could do was watch with Leela, Narvin, Brax and K-9 though the portal as one of the oldest civilizations in the universe died out, all because of couple of damned rats that were let loose and bred during the mesh of civil war I created.'

'You can't even imagine the memories that troubled me when we took up camp in the ruins of the academy after the Dalek Emperor set a fleet of Daleks on Braxiatel's forces. I sat there, days upon days, just as I had when we had fought Pandora and she had destroyed the academy. I was haunted by my recollections of the explosions that almost cost Narvin his life and blinded Leela, the screams of those who were fighting in my name, shaking out of fear of the voice of Pandora calling in my head. I was so alone then, looking for the guidance of my oldest mentor, Brax, I had lost him to the Pandora virus that buried itself in his mind and chased him from Gallifrey. When he returned after Galifrey was rebuilt, after we saved him from the Axis, I gained my friend back. But then the Daleks infiltrated the High Council and assonated most of the cardinals and killed President Matthias, and declared war on the Time Lords, I lost Brax all over again after the battle of the Academy. I was all alone again, I remained strong on the outside of course, I always have, but we Time Lords are not as tough on the inside as we like to believe. "

Her frustration subsided with him some as she knelt back down to ground to be level with the Doctor again, seeing the look of understanding in his eyes over the loss of his brother. "I felt as lost and frustrated and torn as you are now, but then you returned from Skaro. You knew just as well as I did this was the last war the Time Lords would ever fight, but you were determined to win this fight, and you needed all the help you could get. You knew that to do that, I needed you, for support, for the friendship I so needed, to find myself again". She took his hand again and squeezed it hard. "Doctor, you need me to do the same for you now. And I am asking _you_ as friend and so much more, to let me. "

She had both his hands in hers, her eyes meeting with his, letting them speak the words she always meant, but had never said.

And in that moment, the Doctor knew he could never leave her here. He was now assured that she truly was the sturdy, well rounded woman he had come to adore, and all doubt he might have had about her inner strength had disappeared. His love and care for her would rather see her saddened about the fate of her home, but safe in his arms, than have her spend another day in this living hell and loosing her forever. He need not say these words, or even to tell her, yes, she would accompany him when he enacted the Moment, they simply gazed into each others eyes. The Doctor never breathed a word of thank you to Romana, the smile on her lips and the twinkle in her brown eyes said more understanding than any other companion ever had expressed.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He laid his head on her shoulder as her chin rested on his. He ran his fingers though her blonde hair, as she simply pulled her hold around him tighter.

The moment hung in the air for what seemed hours. The embrace between the Doctor and Romana, in a sort of irony of the situation, seemed to freeze time around them. The warships above went unnoticed and the burning landscape could have calmed in the midst of the hug between to friends who had been unspoken lovers for so many centuries. Not a soul existed in that instant outside the pair on the hillside holding each other…

Finally, Romana broke the silence. Her face brushed back against the Doctor's, sniffling, trying to hide her tears from him. She said softly, "Right Doctor, I think it's time we said our last goodbyes, and do what we have to," and she took his hand in hers again, and placed them on the tombstone under which Leela lay.


	3. A Broken Promise to a Lost Angel

_"And with all my heart, I'm sure _  
_We're closer than we ever were _  
_I don't have to hear or see _  
_I've got all the proof I need _

_There are more than angels watching _  
_Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe."_

_I BELIEVE- DIAMOND RIO_

* * *

It had been so long since he had held Romana in his arms. Already two lives had passed since the Time War, and his wounds had only begun to heal. His ninth form was a damaged man. He still had his caring nature, but it was buried under his pain and regret and remorse, and all the other emotions that haunted him by following him though his regeneration after the war. That particular regeneration could begin to heal and feel friendship towards others, like he had started to care for and feel so protective of Rose, but he could never love, he wasn't ready. Rose helped carry him out of the darkness, but in his hearts, the smoking memories of the last days of the Time War hung overcast all his other feelings.

And then came yet another seemingly loosing battle with the Daleks, and another woman had come to aid him to the end.

And as Rose stood there in the brilliant golden light of the TARDIS, she was the visage of an angel. Her love had brought her back to the Game Station to be his savior, and something inside let his coldness warm to the thought that maybe, just maybe, someone else could love him as…. as _she_ had….

And in that instant, for one fleeting second, the angel who had appeared was not Rose, but his eyes saw Romana shimmering in the soft heavenly radiance from the doorway. Her beautiful white dress looked much like the one she wore when she first appeared in his TARDIS, flowing effortlessly on her body, which had the form of his favorite, her second incarnation. Her flaxen hair waved and whirled in the invisible breeze, and her brown eyes and features were as soft and kind as he could ever remember. She was smiling at him, whispering "_Don't let this be the end my dear. Take care of Rose. Don't let her slip away…"_

He closed his eyes and she was lost, and Rose was in the doorway of the TARDIS again. He couldn't bear the thought of what Romana had been implying, _don't let her slip away, like I slipped away…_

He decided right then and there he could allow himself to love again; Romana would have wanted him to. She would have hated how cold he had become, and he knew her hearts would break if he went through the rest of his lives alone, never stopping to give love another chance.

He stepped towards Rose and said "Come here, I think you need a Doctor." He leaned in and kissed her, and as his lips touched hers, The Doctor felt love of more than just Rose….

And in his tenth form, their feelings grew; the full extent of which were hidden of course, through all of his lives, burying his emotions from everyone including himself might never change. But, there was something definitely there. While Rose could never replace Romana, she had found her own special place in his hearts where she would always be nestled. For the first time in a long while, the Doctor thought he just might be able to begin to move on from the pain the war had caused him.

But fait would never let that happen.

When the cult of Skaro arrived at Torchwood one in the Void Sphere, he knew his destiny would never let him rest without the guilt and turmoil he had carried for so many years. Suddenly he lost every bit of hope and love he had gained since loosing Gallifrey and Romana when Rose became trapped in the parallel world. His world was falling apart once again. Everything had slipped away from him in an instant because of his blind love.

He walked into basement of Torchwood Tower that was all but disserted except for the bodies of the casualties of the stand off with the Daleks and Cybermen, unlocked the doors of the stolen blue box, went inside, and disappeared from the scene of destruction as he always had. He stood in the console room of the TARDIS for hours, maybe even days, he didn't really know, just watching the time rotor pulse up and down, trying to grasp a hold of reality.

Had this really happened again? Had he allowed himself to loose another woman he had loved? Part of him hated Rose for coming back, he had lead her to safety, making her go with the others, and while he would remain heartbroken, he would know he did everything to protect her he could, because he loved her that much. And, perhaps the pain would subside knowing it was by his own hands, and not by those of evil that she was gone. But no, she had to be by his side, unconsciously undermining him.

But then that was his fault, he had second thoughts, and he gave into his love tor her and he let his need for her overwhelm his common sense. Now both of them would be haunted by the memories of those last few moments at Canary Warf, because of that ignorance and failure to protect Rose. He should have stood by his word, sent her back without even listening to her arguments, but instead he chose to risk her life along with his own, and watch her almost disappear into nothingness. Now he had to live with the guilt and shame and broken hearts that would plague him for the rest of this life.

His legs eventually grew tired, and he resorted to the cold grated floor of the time machine. And as he lay there, the guilt began to eat away at him even further. Watching as the coppery golden glow of the TARDIS ceiling loom above him, he began to think back on the companions he had let down, the one's he had lost. Even as far back as Lucie and Adric, the emotions began piling upon him, and as his mind crept closer and closer back to Rose, the images of the Game Station began to flash through his mind once more, and a promise he had made to protect Rose to his lost angel…

And at that moment, he could feel the tears begin to form. Up until this moment, he hadn't cried; he somehow still remained his silent self, never uttering a sound, just thinking, pushing off the attempted comforts of the TARDIS. But, now something had snapped. The thought of Romana, and all the promises he had made to her, both while she was alive and after she was gone, and how he had kept so very few of them, set him on the verge of breaking down.

He had promised to keep her safe, to never let any harm come to her, to always care for her, and secretly in his own hearts, to love her, but he was never able to keep those promises. Just as with Rose, he blinded himself against reality for the sake of the love for her, instead of protecting her, and allowing even things that HAD to end to resolve themselves in the safest possible way. Even though each parting from both Romana and Rose would have been hurtful, it would be on his own terms, not that of monsters and enemies and destiny itself. He should never have let Romana go with him. Yes, she would still be lost along with the rest of the Time Lords and Gallifrey, but the moment of destruction was instantaneous- a flash of light in the sky, and then nothing more. She wouldn't have suffered the way she had, she wouldn't…

The Doctor couldn't even bear to think about it. The tears were coming faster now, and at any given moment, they would be streaming down his face.

But then, the thought that had brought him to this point only moments ago, now almost brought a smile to his face. Perhaps it was the TARDIS finally being able to reach him telepathically, or just the thought of Romana and how even just a visage of his past would give him a swift kick in the head for sulking.

He sat up against the console and sniffed, drying his eyes on the sleeve of his jacket, trying to gather his thoughts. After a minute or two, he jumped up and began fiddling with controls, determined to keep a promise to an old friend, and give Rose and he the last chance that Romana never had…

So here he was, standing in the console room of the TARDIS, watching Rose on a monitor as she stood on Bad Wolf Bay. This would be the closest he would ever to be to her again, but it was the best he could do, at least she would be able to see a full scale projection rather than just a small image on a screen.

And as he stood there, speaking words in the TARDIS that would be heard so far away, the Doctor tried to steady himself to utter the words that he had wished a thousand times before he had spoken to Rose. He wasn't quite sure exactly how to bring himself to that point- as much as he longed to make sure Rose knew how he felt, part of him still held on to his stoic nature and remained strong to put up a front for her sake, to show her he was still the tough resilient man she loved.

They made small talk, trying to convince each other they were fine, but soon Rose gave way to her own tears, and she choked on her words, "I love you."

The Doctor smiled, to help ease her pain and his own. "It's quite alright to. " Rose was in full fledged tears now, and the Doctor was on the verge himself. He steadied himself for a moment, he knew what he wanted to say, but wasn't quite sure how to. He knew he loved Rose with every fiber of his being, but to say those words after so long, to be able to say them to another person other than Romana, for a moment, he wasn't sure his mouth would let it escape. He swallowed hard and blinked the tears from his eyes. "And, I suppose…" the Doctor took another moment to prepare himself, "since this will be my last chance to say it…'

'Rose Tyler-"

The transmission of his projection was cut short. The walls of the universe were sealed forever, and once again, the Doctor felt as if he had failed once again, that he had lost another lover because of his carless actions and callowness, and unreasonable hope. Another woman he would have laid his life down for would never know of that love and commitment because he had spent his time concerning himself about his own scared feelings than telling them forthright how he truly felt.

In the cold blue light that echoed off the pillars of the TARDIS, the Doctor stared out of guilt, frustration and disbelief into the empty console room, and felt the old breaks in his hearts caused by loosing Gallifrey and Romana reopen…

In the years that followed, those wounds would not heal, so early in this life the Doctor had been torn apart, and no matter how hard he tried, this incarnation found it hard to live a single day without Rose crossing his mind, nor a day that the guilt of breaking his promise to Romana did not eat away at him.

But the Doctor did find some solace that Romana would be proud that he had found the strength within to carry on, to keep fighting no matter what, and that he had found happiness in the others he had traveled with. Romana would have loved Martha, so strong and brilliant, never giving up, always ready and willing for a challenge, just as she had when she was a young Time Lady travelling with the Doctor. And, she would have applauded Donna for her knack for putting him in his place when need be. Sure the Doctor had still lost others during his journey, Astrid who sacrificed herself for him despite his pleas, and the Master and Jenny who died in such ways that it conjured up memories he had tried to suppress. But, after loosing Rose, and the pain that had caused him, and his determination to not let down his lost angel Romana, he found he could steel himself more easily, and bury his feeling, perhaps more than he should have. That was the Doctor, carrying on, no matter what.

One dark evening, when planets hung in the sky in clear view amidst the swirling blue and green and orange stardust of the Medusa Cascade, for one single instant, standing on a disserted street in front of a battered church, the Doctor felt as if all his pain and torment had come to an end. Rose had returned, and his hearts lifted in his chest at the thought that his resilience against his grief the last few years had finally reaped a reward. He began to run towards her, the thought that his life might begin to become almost whole again urging him on...

But once again fate had to step in.

The Doctor and Rose were maybe ten feet apart, still running towards each other, both beaming at the sight of one another, neither noticing the Dalek rounding the corner. By the time that they had looked in the direction of the creature, and stumbled trying to slow their speed to evade its aim, it was too late.

"EXTERMINATE!" the monster screeched as it fired a bolt at the Doctor.

He fell as the beam grazed him, landing on the ground in shock before he realized what had just happened. He gasped trying to catch his breath, _so this is what it's like to shot by a Dalek. _His left heart had stopped, and the pain shooting through every nerve in his body was excruciating. He felt as if he was on fire whilst he being beat with metal chains. He couldn't move as Rose hurried over to him and cradled the back of his head in her hand. "Rose," he choked out as he started to convulse, "long time no see".

She tried to smile as she said, "yeah been busy you know?"

A second later everything went black, and he choked on another breath as he flopped back onto the pavement. Somewhere he heard the echoed voice of Rose pleading, "_please don't die…"_

A dream began to form, of another person gasping for air, shaking in unbearable agony, and another person begging the same thing as Rose. It was his own voice pleading through the darkness- a younger self sobbing, "Please Romana, please don't die…"

Even as he faded between the real world and unconsciousness, the Doctor found himself thinking of yet another promise broken to his angel. He was not taking care of Rose at all- he was leaving her after she had fought so hard to come back to him. Fate had wished upon him the cruelest of ironies- that he would die in Rose's arms, just as Romana had died in his…


	4. Tragic, Beautiful Magic

_"If everyone cared and nobody cried_  
_If everyone loved and nobody lied_  
_If everyone shared and swallowed their pride_  
_Then we'd see the day when nobody died"_

_IF EVERYONE CARED - NICKELBACK_

* * *

The Doctor and Romana lingered for only a few moments longer at Leela and Andred's graves, holding each other's hands in silence. Finally, the Doctor simply squeezed Romana's hand and guided her down the hill side. While a few skirmishes still raged on, the night had begun to roll into early morning, and at times all the pair could hear were the crackling of still smoldering fires and each others footsteps. Their aim was the Doctor's childhood home, it was the only place left that he felt was safe for his TARDIS on Gallifrey. Nestled in the foothills of Mount Perdition, along the Cadonflood River, the House of Lungbarrow was where the young bright eyed boy the Doctor had once been raced along the long elaborate hallways, happy and smiling, dreaming of a life among the stars that hung in the sky. And as he grew older, he chased his own children down those same hallways and abided by their wishes for games of hide and seek in the dozens of beautifully decorated rooms.

But for so many long years now, the house was no longer his home. His family, most of whom had detested their renegade relative, was now entirely gone. His cousins died in the wars, or of diseases, or some other gruesome way. He had been estranged from his eldest brother Braxiatel for many years, and then he was killed the bombing of the Academy in the early years of the war. His wife had died long ago, and he lost his youngest daughter during the civil war when the Prydon Academy was destroyed. His oldest son and daughter were killed leading their own regiments in the first few years of the Time War. Even his beloved Susan and her son Alex had been killed by the Daleks. The Doctor had not stepped foot in the place he once called home in at least two hundred years- until two days ago when he had come to the conclusion of what he had to do.

Very few knew the house even still stood at the beginning of the war, and now the only two who remained were himself and Romana, so Rassillon's forces would never assume to seek out the Doctor's TARDIS in a house that he had abandoned as his home so long ago.

As they reached the large and ancient wooden door, the Doctor froze for a still moment. Romana pulled him close. She understood how he was feeling at this very moment. She too had lost her home long ago. She had confided in only a few trusted friends about the fire that had destroyed the House of Heartshaven at the end of the civil war, only shortly after her return to her childhood home. Following Gallifrey's reconstruction she had no desire to rebuild it; she had decided it would carry too heavy of a burden on her hearts. Romana had walked away from the smoldering noble house one last time that dark day the Dogma Virus ravaged throughout Gallifrey. And now, she was here to help the Doctor walk away from his own home one last time.

The Doctor stood there for a moment in the stone archway that lead to the great red front doors of the manor, and turned to gaze around what remained of the scenic lands of his beloved home. a few of the Cadon Wood trees that littered the landscape still remained, the Southern sun had begun to rise, casting a orange candle-like glow over the valley, the silver leaves that remained on the charred trees glistened through the haze of smoke like diamonds. As the northern sun followed its counterpart, it threw beams of gold upon the over grown red grass that surrounded the ancient home, giving it the appearance of an ancient foreboding dragon, with the aged stones cracked and falling off as if the creature's teeth were ready to snap at any moment, and the parapets were the monster's menacing claws. But in a way the Doctor had liked that the house resembled the dragon. Even as a boy, the ancient home with some exterior faults that might scare some Time Tots with vivid imaginations like his own, signified adventure every time he walked in through the elaborate front doors, or the "mouth of the beast."

The Doctor wished he hadn't stood here and reminisced, but it was unavoidable, his concentration kept wandering to the reality that this would be the last time he set eyes upon his former home.

Romana wrapped her arms around him and nestled her head on her shoulders, bringing him out his reverie. She kissed his cheek softly and said. "Come on Doctor, we need to get going."

He stood there for one last moment, taking in Romana's comfort, and then pushed open the door and walked into the dark and dusty hallway that once used to be so warm and welcoming. The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver and lit a candle he fished out from a drawer in a table along the wall. He then did the same to a second candle he handed to Romana. They made their way through the empty house, the light of their candles dancing across the stone walls and Gallifreyan Oak floors as they walked silently through the wide passageways and up the tarnished spiral staircase that lead to the observatory. The Doctor glanced back as they passed the dormitory wing, taking one last look at the room he had stayed in as a boy, and the bedroom he had shared with his wife when they had married and he became heir of the house after his father had died and Braxiatel turned down his inheritance. Romana grasped his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, urging him on.

Soon they finally reached the observatory, where the beams of sunlight set the room ablaze with shimmering gold and orange. As the Doctor looked around the room, he swallowed hard, and he could feel his own hand shaking in Romana's. He looked into her eyes, trying to find some sort of solace. To any other person, he would have stiffened up and put on a tough air, but he had to admit to Romana, that in truth, he was scared to death.

In that instant, she pulled him closer and wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her lips to his. He enveloped his own arms around her waist and pulled her even tighter to him. He never wanted to let go, ever,

As the suns crept higher in the sky, the golden heavenly glow of the morning shown through the domed glass roof, enveloping the Doctor and Romana in a halo of soft white and orange. The Doctor could no longer deny it; he loved Romana with every piece of his soul, and as long as he had her, he could make it through anything- even the end of Gallifrey.

At last, after what seemed like an eternity, they broke apart, and the Doctor felt a new strength within himself, and he knew he was truly ready to face the horrible task that lay before him, because he would have Romana by his side. He took a deep breath and straightened up as he took her hand and lead her into the TARDIS.

Once inside, neither spoke, they simply began working at the console. Romana began calibrating instruments as the Doctor programmed the necessary formulas into the time manipulator he had created and connected to the TARDIS. If he was right, the amount of time and space feed back generated throughout the matrix and rebounded through the vortex should be enough to cause a matter implosion that would as a result create a back hole that would separate Gallifrey Skaro, and their adjoining star systems, from the rest of the universe and put the two worlds in a time lock that hopefully nothing could get in or out of. This coupled with the Great Key connected to the Eye of Harmony, would ultimately shatter the integrity of the Web of Time, and destroy the planets caught in the process. Unfortunately, soon the doctor began to grumble to himself and scowl as he tinkered, frustrated with the controls.

Romana finished calibrating the flight controls, and wandered over to the Doctor at the monitor. She looked over his shoulder at his calculations for a moment and then said, "You need to need to match the labels of output from the vortex surrounding Gallifrey with the of the Eye of Harmony using the polarity and anti-paradox equations."

The Doctor looked at Romana for a moment, thinking through her last statement, and then said, "Err, right". He began typing in the equations as he followed the bouncing line on the monitor that represented the output levels of time flocculation in the vortex, but soon Romana pushed him aside teasingly and took over the task herself.

"You're doing it the old fashioned way. You can combine the equations and program the computer to insert the numbers for you, it saves you half the time. No wonder it took you two times to graduate from the Academy with only a fifty one percent." She shot him playful wink.

He laughed, "I never could compete with your triple first." He returned her soft smile and walked over to the navigation controls. Her brilliance was one of the many reasons he loved Romana so much. He often flaunted his own smarts to others, but his genius was nothing compared to Romana. There was no problem Romana couldn't solve, give her any task, and she could complete it with three times the quality and efficiency of anyone else. He also loved her for her sense of humor. Even now, in the darkest hours of their lives, she brightened the whole room with her jokes and her smile.

As he started to type in to coordinates of the capitol, he tried to push off the sickening feeling that had started to gather in the pit of his stomach again by making conversation with Romana. "So Romana, tell me, where would you like to run to?" He wasn't going to complete that sentence- _After we destroy our home planet. _

She pondered for a moment, sighing as if she was trying to fight the same ominous feelings, then she smiled. "I particularly liked France when we traveled there the first time. It was so pretty, and so peaceful, and that was just Paris. Legends say the countryside is to die for. "

For a moment, the Doctor regained his boyish excited bounce. "Oh you'll love it Romana, particularly in the summer. The land rolls along in endless green and little villages litter the horizon and little streams are always running. It's just perfect!"

Romana smiled as she strode over to him and placed her hands on his shoulders and whispered in his ear. "Well then, it's a date."

He turned and grinned and gently brushed the hair out her face. "France it is then."

He returned back to the navigation controls, and soon, the anticipation and dread flooded him again, and he could feel himself growing tense underneath Romana's hands on his shoulders. He was starting to have second thoughts and he looked to Romana with concerted searching eyes. _Maybe there is some other way..._

She took away her hands and put them on her hips and said. "Don't even start."

He smiled but only for a brief moment. "It's not just you Romana."

She walked around him in order to face him, and looked into his eyes and said. "What is it Doctor?"

"I can't do this Romana. No one should have this much power, let alone me. I'm known all over the universe as either the savior or destroyer of worlds, and here I am the destroyer of my own home planet? What kind person does that Romana? Tell me so I can somehow justify this?"

Romana took his wrists and held them gently. "A man who knows that even though he will loose everything, he can save thousands of worlds, and that can they thrive and flourish because of his amazing courage." She took she took his hand and placed it on the throttle and set her hand on top of it. "We've only got a short window left. "

Together the two of them pulled the lever back.

The catacombs beneath the Panoptican were dark and smoky, but they were the safest place to land the TARDIS within the capitol in order to be able to access the new matrix Rassilon had created when the High Council had resurrected him, and he had come to the same realization that the Doctor and Romana had- that this was one war the Time Lords were not going to win. Being the great mastermind that he was, Rassilon took his own modified TARDIS and manipulated the Web of Time to create enough weak spots in it's structure, that when he activated the matrix, the anti-time that was created would cause the space-time vortex to collapse within itself,

"It certainly is quiet." Romana said as ahs stepped out of the TARDIS.

"I suppose the High Council is gathered in the Panoptican groveling at Rassilon's feet, so I guess that's where most of the Chancellery guards would be. There are so few of them left, they can't spare too many to make patrols of ruins," The Doctor said gazing around the empty space between the stone walls of the catacombs. "But I'm not sure I like silence."

"You're not as ignorant as you look Doctor." A smug voice cut though the air.

The Doctor spun around to find Commander Janartis strutting from around the corner pointing a stazer at him.

"Janartis, I thought after the last war we were rid of your scum." Romana retorted, stepping forward to stand even with the Doctor.

Janartis smirked even wider and turned him aim to Romana. "Lady Romanadvoratrelundar. I can't say it's a pleasure."

"Neither can I." Romana replied with all the malice she could muster. "Tell me, how did you survive the Dogma virus? Not to mention the fire at Heartshaven."

"Thanks to you, I didn't" Janartis answered shaking the stazer at her. "Rassilon wasn't the only one who was resurrected. Thanks to those like Valyes who are faithful to the old traditions, unlike _you_, and found themselves in good favor with our Lord President, they were able to suggest to him to resurrect those of us who would be quite useful to the Time Lord's advantage."

Romana looked sickened, but both she and the Doctor weren't the least bit surprised at the tactics Rassilon and the High Council had resorted to, even resurrecting tyrants and psychopaths like Janartis and the Master. "And it is because of you and your precious president that this war exists Janartis. There are those of us who never beloved that the attack on Skaro was justified-"

Janartis cut her off, "And that Romana, is why Darkel deposed you in the first place. You have no idea on how to handle being the leader of the most powerful civilization in the universe. You threw away the power of your office for you precious 'progression' and 'diplomacy' and, look where it got you." He laughed, "Disgraced and in the company of renegades."

Furious at the way Romana was being addressed, the Doctor started towards Janartis, but Romana pushed him back. She was still was a former President of Gallifrey, and even now her rank was higher than Janartis'. While she didn't expect the proper respect from him, she would still hold her authority over him. "I would rather lay with loyal dogs than with backstabbing asses."

"And that will be your downfall _my lady_" Janartis growled as he fired at Romana.


	5. One Last Run

_"Just like a crow chasing the butterfly_  
_dandelions lost in the summer sky_  
_When you and I were getting high as outer space,_  
_I never thought you'd slip away_  
_I guess I was just a little too late"_

_THE CROW AND THE BUTTERFLY - SHINEDOWN_

* * *

"GET DOWN!" the Doctor screamed as he pulled Romana to the floor. Janartis' shot missed them by inches, and hit a stalactite and sent shards of stone showering down from the ceiling of the catacombs. The room shook as Romana and the Doctor crouched and ran towards the ancient stone steps that lead into capitol. Janartis ran after them as he choked on the dust filling the air.

They reached the top of the steps, and as the Doctor tried to open the steel doors with his sonic screwdriver, Romana pulled her own stazer from her holster and aimed it at Janartis, who by that time was climbing up the first few stairs. "Put down the stazer Janartis, or I will shoot you. "

"Not a chance Romana. I swear over Rassilon's life, I will not let you two wipe out the Time Lords", Janartis snarled as he fired another shot towards her.

This time Romana was ready, and ducked as she fired her own gun, grazing Janartis across the shoulder.

He screamed and fell to his knees clutching his wounds.

Romana turned to the Doctor, who had been distracted from the door watching the scene unfold. "Hurry Doctor!" she yelled.

Within seconds the sonic screwdriver's high pitched whirl grew louder, and the hydraulic gears within the steel door loosened and the door slid open. The Doctor grabbed Romana and pushed her forward into the dimly lit hallway. Janartis was standing again and roared as he fired another shot towards the Doctor and Romana. They ducked again and the blast hit a control panel in the hallway that smoked and sparked on contact.

The Doctor had been so preoccupied trying to get Romana and himself out of the catacombs, he had not been able to engage in the fight with Janartis, but his protective instincts over Romana kicked in, and he jerked out his own stazer. He hadn't carried weapons before, but the war had hardened him, and his necessity to protect his own life and those around him. Three hundred years ago, he never would have imagined a day when a stazer gun never left his side.

He pointed the gun at Janartis, glaring at him, shaking with fury. He was going to loose almost everything today, and he would be damned if Romana was going to be taken away too.

Even through his own fury and staggers of pain, Janartis managed to jibe the Doctor a dark menacing grin as he said. "So, Doctor, You'd rather fight for your woman than your own planet, eh?"

The Doctor started to lurch forward back down the steps, but Romana grabbed his arm and pulled him backward. "COME ON DOCTOR!" she shouted. "He's not with it! We only have twenty minutes before Rassilon opens the Eye with the great key and activates the Matrix! We have to go now!"

Janartis was razing his stazer once more, but as Romana yanked the Doctor back into the hallway, he managed to fire a bolt at a large stone overhang. The roof came crashing with cascades of stone and dust as the Doctor Soniced the door shut, drowning out Janartis' screams.

He and Romana coughed as they ran down the trembling hallway. They stopped as they reached a lighted corridor to catch their breath. "I hope you know a way back to the TARDIS," the Doctor said to Romana as he coughed on remnants of dust.

He thought he saw her roll her eyes as she said breathing hard, "There's an entrance to an anti-chamber that leads to the catacombs through the Panoptican, we just have to get past the Chancellery guards."

"And half the cardinals and probably the old bat Rassilon himself." The Doctor said brushing himself off. "Shouldn't be that hard. "

Romana only sighed as she replaced her stazer in its holster, "this way Doctor."

They made their way through the mostly disserted corridors of the capitol, occasionally ducking into empty rooms or blasted crevasses in the wall created by battles within the citadel, hoping to evade passing guards. As they drew closer to the labs of the Celestial Intervention Agency, where Rassilon had most likely have stored his own TARDIS and created his altered connections to the Eye of Harmony via the Matrix once he used the Great Key, the Doctor and Romana could feel each other grow more nervous, and they gripped each other's hands tightly.

Finally, after several minutes of running through the maze of the ruined capitol, they reached a battered heavy door with a blackened sign above it proclaiming as the head office of the CIA. The Doctor aimed the sonic screwdriver at the controls as Romana watched the corridor for oncoming guards. They both were troubled that this door was completely absent of any Chancellery guards. They half expected a third of the remaining Gallifreyan Army to be posted to the entrance to Rassilon's greatest secret, but the abandoned dark, dusty, and smoky agency remained just that- abandoned. The Doctor and Romana continued to creep along the shattered office doors and labs that had been blasted away. When they reached the farthest lab in the darkest hallway, the Doctor was easily able to sonic the door open and slip inside with Romana. "Start double checking time coordinates for the vortex endpoint Rassilon plans to feed into the Eye I found... I'll start programming a virus to infect the Matrix," the Doctor said cautiously.

Romana worked as he told her, only nodding when he asked her if the coordinates he had gathered were correct, but soon she swallowed hard and spoke quietly. "Doctor, I have a sick feeling about this. "

He hurriedly finished typing data into the Matrix station he was at, and said stiffly, "So do I Romana, but, we just have to pray this works- and we can make it out of here alive. "

Suddenly the doors slid open with a sickening mechanical gasp, and an ageing man with gray hair and a harsh face, dressed in elaborate scarlet and gold robes, holding a large golden rod, and wearing heavy metal gauntlet marched through the doors. "Not even praying will get you anywhere now Doctor." Rassilon hissed.

"Unless it's praying to you Rassilon?" the Doctor replied snidely. He whispered to Romana who had slid into the alcove next to him as the doors opened, "stay out of sight, I'm the one he wants, he has no clue about you. "

"No, I'm not going to coward in the corner and leave you for dead." Romana argued in a hushed tone.

"Just do as I say. He'll want to pick a fight with me, stroke his ego a bit before he kills me. You were head of the High Council before he was resurrected; you're nothing to him, he'll just use you as target practice. I need you to get back to the TARDIS and set the time manipulator if he kills me."

"But Doctor-"

"-No 'but Doctor', Romana. Go!" He gave her hand a quick squeeze and then nudged her into the corner.

Rassilon moved farther into the room and stroked his own TARDIS that had the shape of a simple yet wicked form a steel and stone box not much taller than the Doctor's own police box. Smiling manically, he jeered "You always were a prude Doctor. It's a shame I didn't take care of you in my Anti-verse. "

"So were you planning to collapse that universe as well? or were you going to keep it as your own personal hell to send those who you don't like, or the people who look at you funny? Or how about those nitwits at Green Peace?" The Doctor jested with every hint of accusation in his tone. "because let's face it Rassilon, probably even the Divergence would have it out with you over who's the more superior being of consciousness. Of course, that's your own fault, they're your creations, you may be a scientific genius and creator of the Time Lords Rassilon, but let's face it sometimes your foresight, not so great. "

"Shut up!" Rassilon barked, sending saliva flying.

"You know Rass old pal, you really should do something about that spitting problem, it really is quite disgusting." the Doctor mocked.

"ENOUGH! You were never did learn the art of respect Doctor, and perhaps It's time I teach you your first and last lesson." Rassilon walked closer to the Doctor and stared him in the eye. "I was planning to pay your future self a little visit, but now you've afforded me the convenience off killing you right here and now and cutting off your time line in its tracks." He flexed the gauntleted hand with a sickening clang of metal fingers.

"You'll have to ruin another time line to do it, Lord_ President!_"

Romana raced forward from the alcove and plunged her fist into Rassilon's face. He stumbled backwards grabbing at his bludgeoned nose and slammed his head against the steel shell of his TARDIS. Romana grabbed the shocked Doctor's hand and screamed, "RUN!"

Both yanked out their stazers as they ran, aiming to stun any Chancellery guards who attempted to rush forward at them or chase after them. Even if this was the end of Gallifrey, the Doctor and Romana had seemed to make it almost like one of their old time adventures, and each other had managed to smile periodically as their tired bodies gave into the adrenaline whilst they dodged guards and ducked down secret passageways. At one point, in a dark maintenance shaft that Romana had pulled the Doctor into after he had sent a beam crashing down on a particularly hefty guard's head, he finally managed to say in a flabbergasted voice to Romana, "I cannot believe you just socked Rassilon in the Face!"

"Trust me, I've wanted to do it for years. A bit of a stress relief actually," She said smiling. She glanced left and right, and then guided him in the later direction. "This shaft should cut into the Panoptican if we go this way. Come on."

As they travelled silently, the Doctor could tell by the tight hold Romana's fingers had around his hand, that she was sharing the same worry that had struck him when his immediate need to run for his life and sure elation at being able to run and laugh with Romana again had worn off- Daleks. While the Time lords had managed to reclaim the capitol quite a few years ago, rouge factions of Daleks had been known to still remained in sections of the capitol to deplete the Gallifreyan government within their own walls. Many of the passageways the Doctor and Romana were using as escape routes were excellent for secret Dalek command centers. It was even rumored that Rassilon's forces had in truth, not defeated the Dalek emperor, that the great tyrannical creature was hidden away in the capitol, using techniques of psychic manipulation to turn the Time Lord soldiers on themselves. And even though Romana had spent all these years fighting the Daleks in the Time War, she was still living with terrifying flashbacks to her time in captivity on Etra Prime, and the gloomy, intimidating tunnels she and the Doctor were walking through were not helping her rid herself of the images of her twenty years prison. The Doctor said nothing, but simply stroked the back of her hand with his thumb, which seemed to provide enough solace to Romana for the time being.

At last, Romana whispered as they reached anther maintenance grate, "here, give me your screwdriver. "

"Why can't I do it?"

"Because, You're clumsy and you take too long," she replied in her haughty tone.

"Romana! You underestimate me!" he said in an affronted tone.

She put her hand on her hip and beckoned for the screwdriver with the other. "A striped pigrat could have opened the door in the catacombs faster than you did. Now, come on, hand it over," she teased.

"Fine", the Doctor sighed handing her the sonic and she aimed the device at the door until the locks of the gate clicked open to reveal a small tunnel that the dim light of the Panoptican shown through at the end.

The Doctor took a deep breath and tried a week smile. "Almost there Romana, almost there." He helped her climb through the shaft and into the great stone room laden with high rows of stone benches circling the walls, and a great balcony jetting from one side, set with high back stone chairs intended for the High President and their council. Of course, just with the rest of the capitol of Gallifrey, the Panoptican was not untouched by warfare. Large holes had been blasted in the ceiling where the Daleks had first made their initial attacks and orange light now seeped through. Much of the floor was blackened as well, and many of the granite walls were crumbling where blasts from Time Lord or Dalek weaponry had missed their targets. A large portion of the stone benches and seats in the balcony were either overturned or bloodstained. In the center of the room, where the Great Seal of Rassilon was once inlaid in the tile, the gapping hole where the founder of the Time Lords had used the Great Rod to open the floor, the Great Key glowed lightning purple among the swirling blues and reds and whites of the dome of the Eye of Harmony,

For a moment, Romana seemed to stand still as the Doctor had earlier, doing her own reminiscing about the Gallifrey and its people she had loved to serve so valiantly.

The Doctor touched her shoulder gently and she shook off her dream, and said, "We have to get up to the balcony. This way, we have to hurry before the guards figure out we're here."

"I take back what I said about the cardinals. I wonder where the old farts got to." The Doctor said

"It sounded like Rassilon already had them vote on what actions should be taken against you, considering what he said back at the CIA. They're probably all figuring out how to tell what's left of their families that one way or another, they're going to die." Romana said coldly as she climbed up the levels of benches.

She lead him up a series of rows of benches until they came about ten yards below the balcony. She took out her stazer and fired it at a battered curtain accenting the entrance to the balcony, and caught it as fell. She swung the end towards the balcony, and caught the longer half that hung off the railings. She gathered the two edges together and began to ascend the make shift rope. The Doctor followed and Romana pulled him over the edge as he reached the balcony. They both lost their balance as he straddled the railing, and he toppled over into Romana's lap. They couldn't help but laugh at the circumstance, and Romana shook her head as she ran her fingers through his curls. "Oh Doctor, you really are hopeless."

If he knew that if he didn't HAVE to do what he had to do, he would have lain there forever, held in Romana's arms. But time was running out, and he had to play god one last time before they could truly be together, the last two children of Gallifrey in existence.

He rolled over and got up and pulled Romana to her feet and led her to the door nestled in a dark niche just beyond the entrance to the balcony. She allowed him the sonic screwdriver once more, and he unlocked the door that would lead them back into the catacombs and to the TARDIS. They looked back together one last time, gazing through the stone arch out to what remained of the Panoptican, saying their own silent final goodbyes to their beloved home.

As the Doctor and Romana began their way down the steps into the catacombs, neither spoke, both grappling with the final and greatest wave of terror and uneasiness that were filling their bodies. They finally reached the lowest levels of the catacombs and the Doctor said, "The TARDIS is still about a fourth of a kilometer west. We'll have to leg it pretty quickly. Keep an eye out for guards."

The first few moments the pair hurried along the damp caverns seemed to go to plan, and halfway to the TARDIS, the Doctor thought,_ we're half there, we've almost made it…_

At that very instant, a bolt of hot, white-blue light shot past his head, missing him, but only just. He whorled around to find Romana, she too barely managed to dodge the Dalek's shot.

"YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!" one Dalek screeched as another four creatures hovered from dark crevasses in the stone walls. "THE DOCTOR AND ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR MUST BE EXTERMINATED! THEY MUST NOT ENACT THE MOMENT AND DESTROY THE DALEKS!"

"Shit!" was all Romana could manage to get out before the Doctor seized her arm.

"RUN ROMANA! RUN!" He yelled pulling her forward, pulling out his gun and firing backward at the Daleks.

The next few moments were a blur. Running was no longer a game; it was a true battle for their lives now, not just cat and mouse with the Chancellery guards. Neither were laughing as they had earlier, they were screaming at each other to move faster, aiming to kill, not injury their predators. Several close calls had been made, and a bolt burned the back of the Doctors arm as it grazed him while he forced Romana downward.

When the TARDIS came within their sights, Romana let go of him and said, "Get the TARDIS open and plug in the coordinates, I'll give you covering fire."

He began to protest, but she pushed him the direction of the police box and screamed as the Daleks advanced, "GO!"

He ran forward, scrambling to pull out his key. He could hear in the distance the standoff ensuing, shots from both Romana's stazer and Dalek weaponry ripping through the air. As the lock clicked on the TARDIS door, the sound of shattering glass and metal casings and a Dalek screaming echoed off the walls as more shots flew. _Good girl Romana!_ He thought flinging the doors open. He rushed to the navigation controls and typed in the coordinates and locked them in, and attached the time manipulator into the console. He was lunging for the flight controls when the TARDIS doors squeaked open, and Romana clambered inside, gasping for breath and bent double.

He started towards her, worried that she had been shot, but she held out her hand and breathed. "I'm fine Doctor, I just fell, that's all."

"Romana-"

"-Really, I'm fine. Initialize the time manipulator. I'll start dematerialization." She said, wincing, but then swallowing hard and standing up to walk towards the console without any major hint of further pain. But, even as she worked, her eyes didn't quite seem to focus on what she was doing; she only looked occasionally at the Doctor with calming eyes when she was not staring at the time rotor, as if she was trying to steady herself.

Perhaps it was his ignorance and hope that the Doctor pushed the worst thoughts into the back of his mind, but he kept trying to assure himself that Romana was only facing her own demons about the Daleks that had plagued her for the past few hundred years of her life, but otherwise she was safe and unharmed.

_Oh how stupid he had been…_


	6. The Company of the Water and Stars

_"If I could just see you_  
_Everything would be all right_  
_If I'd see you_  
_This darkness would turn to light_

_And I will walk on water_  
_And you will catch me if I fall_  
_And I will get lost into your eyes_  
_I know everything will be alright_  
_I know everything is alright"_

_STORM- LIFEHOUSE_

* * *

So here the Doctor was, lying helplessly in Rose's arms on the floor of the TARDIS, Jack barking orders and Donna panicking frantically in the background as Rose pleaded, tears streaming down her face. He tried to fight back his immanent death and regeneration with every once of energy he could. He didn't want to leave Rose, this wasn't right, this wasn't _fair_. They had finally found each other again, just so they could be torn apart by the putrescence of the universe, the Daleks.

_The Daleks, EVERYTHING came down to the FUCKING Daleks. _

Would they ever stop taking everything from him? Rose, Gallifrey, Romana, everything. Everyone he'd had as companions over the years all had their lives shattered in one way or another by the Daleks. Rose and the Doctor had always lost each other in one way or another when Daleks were involved. Donna watched as her best friend writhed in agony helplessly before her. Jack had been exterminated before Rose had brought him back to life on the Game station, fighting to his last defense. Lucie had died flying the rebel command ship into the heart of a nuclear hole fighting for him, Even Sarah Jane, who was tough as nails, was petrified of the Daleks. The Doctor recognized indescribable fear in her eyes as she held her son close. That was all the Daleks ever did, ever would, ever could do, instill fear and destroy that which they hated, pity was not in a Daleks vocabulary, and they would certainly never spare a drop of it to their most hated enemy. They were bound and determined to obliterate everything the Doctor held dear.

From the very beginning, Romana's second incarnation had been haunted by her captivity by the Daleks from her very first adventure in her new body. She was so young when she had left Gallifrey to complete the White Guardian's task and travel with him. Just barely out of the Academy, she had hardly heard of the Daleks, let alone seen one. She never told him forthright about what had happened in the underground levels of Skaro, but he could sense by her quiet demeanor that she had been rattled. He had barely just met her new regeneration, but he knew that even in a new body, Romana would never be that silent, no matter the incarnation. He could only Imagine just how scared she was, a young Time Lady, still getting used to life outside the citadel, tied up and treated like a spy by creatures she knew nothing about. Of course she had been so much like him, after she'd found a means of escape, she pushed aside her emotions and hid them away in order to get on with the adventure, but their shared Gallifreyan telepathic abilities helped him sense she had upset.

And then only a month into her presidency, she had been captured and tortured again by the Daleks, wasting away as their prisoner for twenty years. Oh, how terrified he had been when he first learned of her disappearance from Coordinator Vansell. Even in his cold and stiff sixth regeneration, he would have torn apart the cosmos to find her, to get her back, had he only known. He was wrought with guilt as he carried her broken, emaciated form through the capitol, away from the Daleks she had so bravely connected with through the telepathic crystal. But, where she had hidden her emotions from him after her first encounter with the demons, he felt his senses flooding with her fear and she made no effort to mask her trembling.

But Romana being who she was, she carried on as she always had, determined to draw strength out of her pain, and do what she could to ensure that none suffered her same fate. On the eve of High Council declaring war against the Daleks, Romana never screamed for vengeance against the Daleks for all her own sufferings, she simply gathered her battalion, and spoke to them in her calm tone. "The time has come for us to fight for Gallifrey, for our families and our children. I realize the Daleks have already taken so much from all of us, but drawing strength from anger puts us on a one track mind, thinking only about ourselves. We have to think about those we are protecting, those we are fighting FOR, not who we are fighting against. We have to try our damnedest to fight to make sure our children can inherit a Gallifrey that they do not have to live in fear on." Even though she had no children, and no family left, she still spoke her words with truth and conviction. Romana would do anything for her home and the friends she had to come to love as her family.

Like the Doctor, Romana had wanted so badly to make sure that the Daleks would never take anything away from her again; she was bound and determined to make sure no one else in the universe suffered the way she had. She had been so strong, so valiant in her fight, but no matter how hard she had tried, the Daleks Still won. The Daleks still took her away from him…

* * *

The Doctor locked the time manipulator onto the Web of time and the Eye of Harmony, and in effect set the Time Lock in motion. Within five minutes the Time Lock would fall into effect and the manipulator would filter through the vortex and fill the Eye of Harmony and the Web of Time with temporal feedback and the whole of the Kasterborean Borealis would be obliterated into a black whole. There was nothing he could do now but watch- Gallifrey was gone.

He stood in silence studying the scanner, watching the measurements synchronize, with each of his hearts pounding with sickening anticipation. Romana slowly walked over to him and grasped his hands in hers. He could feel her grip looser than before, it wasn't as strong and assuring as it had been; it was slightly limp and shaking. He turned to her, concern in his eyes, trying to sense her telepathically, but she had shut him out like she often would. She only kissed him on the cheek to reassure him and gave him a look that he took as "I'm scared too, but we're in this together." And as much as he didn't like to admit it, he was trembling as well, and he calmed himself in knowing that the strongest person he'd ever met was afraid too, they both had good reason to be shaking. But in the back of his mind, something was wrong, he just couldn't quite understand it…

A tiny green light flashed on the time manipulator, signaling that all the Doctor had to do was pull one lever, and the Time War was over. He swallowed hard and reached up to the monitor to activate the view screen, and he and Romana gazed upon Gallifrey, for the last time. He set his trembling had on the lever, and paused for a moment, and looked again at Romana, and she reached out her own hand and placed it on top of his. Without speaking a word, the Doctor and Romana pulled down on the lever, and activated the time manipulator.

The next few seconds seemed to pass in a slow-motion blur. The TARDIS shuttered as the vortex began separating itself from the Web of Time, and Romana and the Doctor huddled against the console, arms around each other as they watched. On screen, Gallifrey began to splinter apart, slow as the shockwaves set in, then faster and faster, the great amber sphere cracking and separating into pieces expanding farther and farther out, fire and matter floating across the stars. Then, suddenly the TARDIS gave another jolt as the stardust and rocks on the monitor sucked inward on themselves, and folded into darkness.

Where an empire had once stood tall for a billion years, gracefully guarding the cosmos, nothing remained in the sky except for endless darkness. The Time Lords and Gallifrey were no more.

Romana and the Doctor remained in each others arms, holding on to the only thing they had left in the universe- each other. The Doctor was not crying, he was too numb, but he could feel every muscle in his body stiffen and a lump form in his throat. However, as he silently consoled Romana, he could feel his shirt wet with her tears.

Soon Romana went silent and simply kept a tight hold of the Doctor. She looked up into his face, and he sensed her nudging him telepathically to try and return the comfort he had given her. All the Doctor could muster was a shake of his head, and Romana kissed him softly and wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered. "It's ok. I'm here." She began running her fingers through his hair and continued to whisper comforting thoughts to him telepathically. He just kept his arms around her waist and closed his eyes, trying to let her wear away his wall of shock.

Then suddenly, Romana took a sharp breath of pain, and her hold around the Doctor's neck loosened. She began to slip backward, and the Doctor barely had enough time to catch her. All thought of Gallifrey was gone as he steadied her, and turned his mind towards his concern for her. "What? What's wrong?" he asked looking into her eyes for an answer.

She pushed her hair out of her face, breathing hard. "I'm fine I just-", her words were cut short by a cry of anguish as she clutched her chest, her legs gave way and she fell through the Doctor's arms to the floor.

"Romana!" he screamed as he scrambled to the floor beside her. He pulled her shaking form into his lap and he cradled her in his arms. "Romana, what's wrong? Tell me, please." He pleaded. Even though he was praying with everything he had that he was wrong, he already knew the answer.

Romana was trembling, trying to fight the pain that was ravaging through her body. She griped the Doctor's arm trying to steady her self, but she continued to convulse, all her efforts in vain. She managed to focus her strength for a moment and murmur. "Daleks. I wasn't fast enough in the catacombs. I'm Sorry."

_No! __Damn it! No!_ The Doctor thought. He stroked her hair and tried to keep a calm voice. "It's ok. There's nothing to be sorry about. Just regenerate. Don't worry, I'm here. "

She shuddered violently. She shook her head as she tried to repress another scream.

The Doctor felt the hearts in his chest tighten. His voice pricked with worry as he said. "Of course you can. Why wouldn't you be able to?"

Romana swallowed hard and said tensely. "No, I can't. I never told you, when Pandora took over my mind, she weakened my ability to regenerate."

This made no sense to the Doctor, knowing Romana was in her third incarnation, and she had forced her own regeneration after her brush with the Imperiatrix. "But-"

Romana cut him off. "That regeneration was fast, so I survived, but I knew it had weakened my strength for weeks after." She reached up and placed a trembling hand on the Doctor's cheek. "I held off my regeneration so I could help you, so you wouldn't be alone when Gallifrey was destroyed. I couldn't become a new person to you before that, I couldn't leave you." Her eyes blinked with tears. "But I held off the process too long. I'm too weak now. I'm so sorry."

He tried to scoop her up and get up. "No, there's nothing to say sorry about. You'll get though this. We'll find a way. We just have to get to the medical bay." He felt her breath begin to grow shallower, and her eyes loose focus as she faded in and out of consciousness. He pulled her closer to his chest, as if hoping somehow it would keep her alive longer. "Come on Romana, follow my voice. You can make it," he begged her. "Come on, please stay with me. Please!" he was almost shouting his words as he fought back his tears. He couldn't loose Romana- she was all he had left. They were going to do so many things together, they were going to go out into the universe, discover new adventures hand in hand. He tried to smile encouragingly at her though his tears. "You have to, I promised you France remember?"

"No doubt with some unexpected stops along the way." Romana joked softly, trying to return the smile, still trembling.

He chuckled through his tears. "Of course."

Romana weakly placed her hand on top of his, and whispered. "I love you."

The Doctor brought her hand up to his lips and kissed it, and said in a false calm voice, "Don't. This isn't goodbye. I know you, you're Romana, and you're going to pull through. "

She shook her head feebly. "Not this time."

He was sobbing now, whispering through the tears, beseeching, "Please Romana, Please don't die..."

She gazed into his eyes with the tiny bit of fire and courage she had left, and said, "Promise me you'll go on. Don't let this be the end, go tell the universe the stories of Gallifrey." Her voice now laced with sadness and regret, "promise me you'll explore a few new worlds for me."

"Don't-"

Her heartbeats were slowing by the second, and her breath was fading with every word. "Please, promise me." she whispered.

The Doctor pulled her even tighter to his own body and stroked his hands through her golden hair. Choking on his tears, he replied, "I promise."

Romana breathed in his ear and thanked him, by his full name. The Doctor's hearts ached even more. He knew Romana had known his full name for centuries, but he had never heard her say it until now, until she was dying in his arms. He placed his hand on her face, and looked longingly into her beautiful brown eyes. He bent over and softly kissed her lips. He stroked her cheek as he said, "I love you, Romanadvoratrelundar."

Romana smiled softly, and closed her eyes. She took three more shallow breaths before the air grew still and her body ceased to stir. She was gone.

The Doctor let out a scream of agony and anger, yelling, "No!" after "No!" after "_No!_" This was not happening. This could _NOT_ be happening

Romana, the last bit of peace, and love, and hope the Doctor had in the universe, had died in his arms. The Woman he had come to love so much was dead, limp and lifeless, after she had been so full of spirit and adventure less than an hour ago. She had sacrificed her own life for her love for him, to carry him though the dark, one last time.

He sat on the TARDIS floor for hours, cradling Romana's body in his arms. Tears streaming down his face, he pleaded into the emptiness for her to wake up. But all his supplications were for naught; she still remained motionless and pale. No longer would the Doctor pick up Romana and spin with delight as he greeted her, No longer would he watch from the shadows as her young, beautiful form danceg down the hallways of the TARDIS, listening to her softly sing Gallifreyan lullabies. No longer would he stand in awe of her strength and brilliance that out matched his own ten fold. No longer would he kiss her, and tell her of his love for her, of how she had captured both his hearts with her cool, but easygoing smile the very moment they first met. She would never know of the way her eyes sparkled with the never ending wonder and beauty of the stars, how her smile and lit up his world like the burning center of a supernova, dazzling and colorful and bright, never seeming to end. Her life had ended, much too quickly, much too painfully, much too soon. Nothing would ever replace Romana, nothing and no one.

Even the TARDIS seemed to know Romana was dead. The Doctor knew the ship was still alive and ever present in their telepathic connection, but the old girl was still and silent, as if she was in shock as well, and doing her own mourning. She too had lost an old and very dear friend. Neither the Doctor nor the TARDIS murmured anything to each other telepathically. What could they say?

Eventually, the Doctor wasn't even sure how long he had sat on the floor holding Romana, the time rotor wheezed to life, and the TARDIS gently swayed thought the vortex. The Doctor didn't seem to care the time machine had taken it upon herself to take flight- he was so frozen, his mind would not focus on anything but the broken form before him. He curled up against the console, still clinging tightly to Romana, absent mindedly running his fingers through her hair, and let the lull of the flow of the TARDIS rolling through the vortex calm him.

He buried Romana in France, the place she had so adored as a young Time Lady when they first traveled together, running free through the stars like two wild children, not a care in the universe.

When the TARDIS had quietly landed, he peered up at the scanner to discover the ship had tried to suggest something by materializing in 20th century France. That suggestion was a proper goodbye.

He knew he should have burned the body, even when Gallifrey still existed, entire civilizations would have ripped any world apart for one tiny piece of Time Lord DNA, and now that would be in even greater demand now that only two Time Lords "survived" the planets downfall. But he couldn't do that to Romana, she meant far too much to him to watch her wither away on a funeral pier. He placed her body in a grave he dug on a grassy hail side next to a small river, where the heavens stretched on for miles, blanketing the quiet land with glittering stars. It was exactly the way he had described it to her, graceful and calm. Romana would have the songs of the rushing brook, and the mysterious, yet gorgeous, puzzle of the sky to keep her company forever. The Doctor set two large flat rocks upon the soft top soil of the grave, and scattered flowers around the edge to form a head stone.

Once he finished. He rested his head on the slab, and gazed out at the horizon. He ran his fingers across the rough surface and whispered, "Isn't it beautiful Romana. Just as I told you it would be. "

Tears formed in his eyes again, he couldn't bring himself to move from that spot, to walk away from her. She had been so strong and adamant about never leaving his side, he felt as if he was deserting her, betraying her love for him.

Suddenly, the Doctor's attention turned to the river down the bank. The water was not rushing to terribly, fast, but it looked like it was at least five and half to six feet deep- plenty deep enough…

He had lost everything, his home, his people, and the woman he loved- all of it gone forever. There was nothing left for him to live for. No family, his brother Braxiatel died in the war, and even his own children were victims of the bloodshed, Even before the Time War, the Daleks had killed his great grandson Alex, and Susan had lost her life off world somewhere during the war, seeking vengeance for her son. No friends. His actions and schemes had cost the lives of so many he cared about, Leela in the war, and Lucie so long ago, and countless other. He had destroyed everything and everyone. That would forever be his curse.

Underneath the blackness and stars, the Doctor kissed the flat stones he had placed on top of Romana's grave, and whispered. "I love you. I'll be with you soon. "

He stripped off his singed scarlet military jacket and threw it aside somewhere along the mossy ground. He then unlaced his boots, and tossed them in a different direction of the jacket in the same haphazard fashion, and did the same with his socks. He remained dressed only in the bloodstained white shirt and scarlet pants of his battle uniform as he stood and walked barefoot along the spongy ground towards the river. He never took notice of the hazel blonde curls whipping in his face in the breeze as his sullen blue eyes gazed across the horizon, following the stars until he met the tiny black patch in the heavens where Gallifrey used to hang.

The Doctor only paused for a moment when he reached the waters edge. He looked once more upon where Romana rested, and then he turned back to the rushing waters, he took one last gulp of air before plunging into the river.

He fought like mad to suppress the urge to swim back to the safety of the surface as his feet brushed the silt bottom of the riverbed. Cold and sickening pressure wrapped themselves around his body and pressed against his skull as he let out one last breath, concentrating on shutting down his respiratory bypass system. Letting out an inaudible scream, he grabbed hold of a tree root buried in the sandy floor, he had to do this, there was no other way out. He _wanted_ to drown. He had nothing in to _live _for. He would give _anything _to be with Romana again, including his own life…

Icy water filled his lungs and crushed his chest, and blackness began to creep across his vision. His grip on the tree slackened as the fight went out of him and his body began to submit to death. His limbs grew limp and gave way to the water and began to float upward. As darkness finally fully enveloped him, he thought of Romana. A blonde angel in white, _his _angel, was the last thing the Doctor saw…


	7. Coming Full Circle

_"I've been afraid of changing_  
_'Cause I, I've built my life around you_  
_But time makes you bolder_  
_Children get older_  
_I'm getting older too oh yes_  
_I'm getting older too_

_So, take this love, take it down_  
_Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around_  
_If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills_  
_Well the landslide will bring you down, down_  
_And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills_

_Well maybe the landslide will bring you down_  
_Well well, the landslide will bring you down"_

_LANDSLIDE - FLEETWOOD MAC_

* * *

She had pulled him out of the river that night. Not herself of course, but Romana's spirit, her very essence, somehow gave him the strength to pull himself to the surface. To this day, that very memory finds the Doctor in his dream.

In the moment he saw Romana before his mind gave way to the blackness of death, she floated gracefully in the water, effortlessly like an angel. Her face glowed softly in the silvery-white moonlight that shown though the freezing water, her white silk gown dancing in the current, her blonde hair swirling softly in her face. She was as beautiful as he could ever remember her. But, there was something different about her, something wrong. She watched him sorrowfully, her eyes full of grief and disappointment.

He took one look into the light brown eyes he had so loved to gaze into, now so cold with sorrow, and then all else went black, as a soft voice pleaded

_Please, this is not the answer…_

The deep purples and blues and yellows of the sunrise blurred into focus. Grass tickled his bare forearms and the left side of his face he had been laying on, mud chilled his skin, and his body ached beneath his soaking clothes. The Doctor let out a low, strange sounding groan.

He rolled over and sat up. Reaching up to rub his pounding head, his fingers not longer found abundant wild curls, but short his hair short cropped, and bigger ears than he was quire sure he had. "Regeneration," he grumbled to himself. He shook himself awake in surprise.

_Wonderful,_ he thought skeptically, _apparently I have a northern accent now. _God, how he envied Romana's control over her regenerations. She'd probably be quite amused at him right now.

_Romana…_

His gaze turned toward the spot down the river on the hill where he had buried her, untouched and peaceful.

As a Time Lord and a man of science, he had never found himself believing much in spiritual things, but last night has changed that. Romana had appeared to him as an angel in the river, as a guardian angel. In an instant, he had felt so guilty for the sadness in her eyes, that he was breaking his promise to her to go out into the universe and carry on, to carry on _for_ _her. _She was so brokenhearted to see him giving up. in Romana's eyes, he never gave up.

He would never know exactly how he came to be safely on the bank of the river, literally a new man, but he had an idea. Romana had given him the strength to allow himself to give into regeneration, and let his body be carried down stream a short ways to safety.

He stood, and gazed once more over the serene landscape. The Doctor was a new man now, and the time had come for him to move on, to go out into the universe and continue on as he always had- but with new purpose and a promise to fulfill. He walked slowly and quietly back to the TARDIS, giving him time to gather his thoughts and prepare himself to walk away from that place.

He approached Romana's grave, and listened to a bluebird on an overhanging shady tree branch sing its soft morning greeting. He stared at the flat stoned for a moment, and whispered. "I'll make you proud, I promise, I love you."

The bluebird on twittered brightly as it took flight, and the Doctor turned to walk back to the TARDIS...

* * *

Jack quickly pulled a protesting Rose away the Doctor's writhing body as he watched his hands begging to glow with regeneration energy. Donna begged, "What's happening?"

"When he dies, his body, it heals itself, he changes," Rose said, fright and pain laced in voice. "Buy you can't!"

The Doctor pulled himself up on the console, barely able to stand from the agony and amount of energy rushing through every cell in his body. He was quite sure his look of fear equaled those of his three friends watching him. Quivering, he choked out, "I'm regenerating."

Instantly, the Doctor was thown backward into an outstretched stance, glowing golden, yellow, fiery light pouring from his head and hands. He always hated this, the pain of every cell in his body recreating and rearranging themselves, no words could describe the fire and pulling and rushing sensation that ripped at his every muscle.

Suddenly in the golden light that clouded his vision, Romana was watching over him again, gracefully floating as an angel, just as she had in the river and on the Game Station. She smiled at him encouragingly.

"_Don't leave __them; they need you more than ever right now, Rose especially. No matter what you tell you're self, you've done a fine job of taking care of her. She needs you just a little longer."_

He thought of how Romana had given her life to not become a new person when he needed her most, so she could be his rock, his saving grace in his darkest hour. Perhaps now was the time to repay that debt, to thank her. Donna needed him, Martha and Sarah Jane and all the others needed he, even Jack need him. And of them all, Rose needed him the most, she needed him to be _her _rock, her night in shinning armor, and given what she had gone through after his last regeneration, now was not the time to become an entirely, strange, man for her to try and understand and draw comfort in all in one go.

Romana gave him the soft, cheeky grin he had always adored, and her eyes sparkled with the love and faith she had for him.

"_Go on my dear. You know what you have to do."_

_Thank you_, he thought quietly,

She smiled and nodded, and faded softly back into the golden light of the regeneration energy...

Using every ounce of control he could must, the Doctor swung his arms and head towards the jar resting next to the console…

* * *

His time had finally come. A little less than two years later, the Doctor prepared himself to walk from his tenth life to the next. He was reluctant at first, fighting to desperately to escape the wrath of the Master and the Time Lords, angry with himself more than Wilf as he threw papers across the room in the Naismith mansion, the old man watching helplessly form his glass prison.

Then, suddenly, something clicked.

_Now it all makes sense…_

Rassilon's rough, booming voice echoed in his head…

"_I was planning to pay your future self a little visit"_

The Doctor hadn't thought much of it at the time, he had more pressing issues to think of, but the remark Rassilon had make in the labs of the CIA during the last day of Gallifrey had sat at the back of his mind. He had pondered it from time to time, his brain pawing at it like a curious cat, but he could never quire make sense of it. So, he eventually let it go, leaving it up to one of those mysteries he would have to solve in time. And now, time had allowed him to solve the puzzle. Even as he and Romana were running thought the capitol, Rassilon and the High Council were plotting their escape to earth and plan to pull Gallifrey from the Time Lock. The placement of the drum beats in the Master's head, sending the White Point Star to earth, it had all happened right underneath his nose. Nothing would ever be simple when it came to the Time Lords.

And amidst putting the pieces of picture together, he now remembered something initially played little attention to- the tiny smear of blood along the edge of Rassilon's nose. The Lord President had obviously just come from his skirmish with Romana. He smiled to himself. To this day, the Doctor still remembers the look of utter shock on Rassilon's face as Romana swung her fist across it.

In that moment, all the trepidation and anger the Doctor had towards his death disappeared. Romana had given her life for him, and she had welcomed death so bravely, and she had calmly accepted that her time had come. And if she could, The Doctor could as well. It was time to be brave, like Romana, and welcome death as a friend.

"Wilfred, it's my honor." He said, taking the door handle, and kindly smiling at the old man. Even as the elderly soldier begged him not to, the Doctor rescued Wilf, and began to absorb to radiation. And as radiation flooded his body, pain unlike little else he'd experienced, his hearts pounding as screamed, his whole body aflame with the sensation of a thousand of knives slashing at him a hundred times over, the Doctor managed to push through with one thought- he would be with Romana again.

Of course, right on par for the Doctor, his plan hadn't quite turned out how he expected. Much to his, and a beyond bewildered Wilf's, disbelief, he had survived absorbing the nuclear radiation and the regeneration process began. Perhaps the universe was not willing to be rid of him just yet. But, the Doctor knew he could not move on into his new incarnation with the burdens of this life, it was time for a new start- but not before he took a long needed look back and visit a few old friends.

The Doctor had just dematerialized into the vortex from the front of the church in Cheswick where he had said one final goodbye to Wilf, and left a quite useful gift for one of the best friends he would ever have, Mrs. Donna Temple-Noble. After several dozen trips to catch a glimpse of companions past- beaming with pride as Charley Pollard continued to work with the Viyrans, slipping a note to a much dejected Jack Harkness who was sorely in need of some company after the destruction of Torchwood and leaving earth, chuckling as Jo Grant shuffled around a gaggle of grandchildren at a family picnic, saving Mickey and Martha from a near miss a rouge Sontaran, and Sarah Jane's son Luke from passing car, sadly smiling as he watched Lucie and his great grandson Alex running hand in hand to catch a train in Madrid, that he had stalled for five minutes by jamming the driver's controls with his sonic screwdriver, and paying long overdo visits to so many other companions he had come to love as his family over the many years he had traveled, watching them quietly from the shadows. He only had two more stops to make. One of course being Rose, he was saving her for last so he could leave this life behind closeting the circle with the one person who had brought so much meaning to it. The other was just as important to him, not just in his tenth incarnation, but in all of his lives- his visit to Romana.

**Cambridge, 1979**

Romana leaned against the TARDIS as she waited for the Doctor, who was undoubtedly dawdling making a picnic lunch for after they went punting. She fidgeted with her skirt and twirled it around, letting it flow in the gentle breeze, then she made sure her powder blue hat she had adored so much after finding it in the wardrobe was has securely atop her long strawberry blonde hair. A grey dove cooed from a tree branch over head, and she watched smiling as it took flight, fluttering excitedly in circles, then finally landing softly in another nearby tree. Then, in the tranquility of bird song, a crunch of leaves and twigs broke Romana's reverie.

She turned her head in the direction of a thicker clump of trees where the leaves were beginning to orange and yellow, but were still shady in the calm, autumn light, to find a man wearing trench coat and brown suit watching her fondly. Her senses began to tingle- she knew exactly who he was. She looked back at the TARDIS door, which didn't seem like it would be opening anytime soon, and ran in to the patch of trees after him.

He smiled softly at her, but she folded her arms haughtily, "leave it to you Doctor to willingly create a paradox. What are you doing here?"

"It's nice to see you too, Romana." He said with a kind, playful smile, but with a small tinge of sadness in his voice. She could tell he was much, much, older than her Doctor was at the moment, by two or three hundred years at least. His deep brown eyes still burned with fire and adventure, but they were older, more tired and wiser, and melancholy. She could tell he had been through a lot in recent years. but she wasn't going to ask of course, she knew better- just as she knew better that the consequences of his later self being with in such close proximity to his younger self were, to say the least, disastrous. But then again, rationality was not always his forte. She relaxed her arms a bit, but only relinquished her hands to her hips, and said, "Don't dodge the subject Doctor, if you come into contact with yourself-"

He chuckled and grinned wildly. "Nah! I got distracted by the readings I picked up that seemed to be another time vessel. Turns out I was just getting reading from the signature I masked my later TARDIS with. I'll be another five minutes at least, and I'll be long gone by then." He absently mindedly ran fingers thought his smiley brown hair, "Blimey. That sounded off. Its s good thing I'm talking to you Romana, anyone else I'd have to spent that five minutes my other self is waiting explaining it, and then I really would be in trouble."

Romana looked back at the TARDIS, not surprised that her Doctor was in fact dawdling, rolling her eyes. She let her hands at last relax and fall to her side, asking curiously and calmly to the Doctor in front of her. "All right, but you never answered my question, what are you doing here?" she already knew the answer though, the second she saw him watching her from behind his oak tree, she could sense his physical pain and the regeneration process taking place. Romana had more asked the question meaning, _what are you doing here so close to regeneration? _She could tell he understood by the small, reluctant nod he gave her.

He swallowed and said, "You see Romana, I've always been bit rubbish at good bye. I talk all the time, but when it comes to when it really counts, I just can't find the right words. And I haven't exactly been the most perfect person through any of my live, especially lately, and it's time that I change that." he took her hand, blinking away tears, "and the last time I saw you, " he swallowed hard, "I didn't say goodbye properly. And I want to do that now. '

'You are absolutely brilliant, I want you to know you are the brightest person I've ever met, and that's no small compliment coming from me. You're one of the best friends I've ever had, you're resourceful and cunning and you keep me on track because you're stubborn as I am, " she sniffed haughtily and tried to ignore his last remark, " and you're beautiful and magnificent. You have a bright, fantastic future ahead of you. And even when things get tough, just be strong, and be yourself and you'll get through it just fine."

Romana was a bit taken aback, this incarnation of the Doctor was quite straight forward and emotional and somewhat, human. She didn't mind it entirely, her Doctor, as light hearted and genial as he was, had somewhat of disconnect with her. She understood why of course, he was 750 year old renegade, and she was only 125 and barely out of the academy, hardly a suitable match. But, not long after the had begun traveling together, Romana realized she had feelings for the mad, impossible, brilliant Doctor, even more so after she regenerated. She'd never tell him, even his later, more open regeneration, but he was her best friend, and she loved him.

And while the sad and hardened tone to his voice worried her, she couldn't ask, she didn't want to ask; not only because she was a Time Lady and every thing she had ever been taught forbad it, but traveling with the Doctor helped her discover that the thrill in life was not always knowing exactly what is going to happen. Romana simply took his other hand and said softly, "It doesn't matter how well you say hello or goodbye Doctor, its how you spend the time you have between the two, you taught me that."

He smiled, now quite happily, and said, "I guess I did, didn't I?"

Romana shook her head, laughing, "Honestly, the ego never changes does it?"

The Doctor chuckled, "No, I guess not." He squeezed her hand in his, his eyes sparkling with a love she'd never seen before. "One more thing before I go and you run off to have all sorts of adventures with the me that's all teeth and curls and absurdly long scarves, " he pulled her into a hug. "Thank you, Romana, thank you."

She was a bit surprised by the affectionate embrace, but she welcomed it all the same. She wrapped her arms around his neck and his long arms tightly cradle her waist. For a moment, her face brushed against his rough stubble, but neither took bother to it, and he softly smelled her hair and pulled her even closer.

After a few moments, he lifted her off the ground, and spun her in the air, as if it was something he had longed to do for long time. He gently set her back down on the ground, and began to pull away from her. When he only held gently to one hand, he said softly, "I need to go. Thank you. Goodbye, I love you," and he slipped his hand from hers.

Stunned, Romana whispered, "I… I love you too…"

The Doctor nodded softly, and turned and walked from the trees in the opposite direction she had come from, back to the future TARDIS. She ran after him, and watched as he unlocked the door of blue box, which too had changed, with bigger windows and a Yale lock, and paint that was a greyer shade of blue. She smiled and closed her eyes as the breeze from the TARDIS blew her hair softly, and the man she loved disappeared into the vortex.

She stood there for a moment, still bewildered, but happier than she'd ever been, just staring out onto the vast open lawn where the TARDIS had been parked, trying to make sense of it all.

"Romana! Where did you wander off to now?." A cheery voice called from the other edge of the trees, "The other time vessel is gone now, I'll have K-9 figure it out later. Now, come on, I told you we were going punting!"

Romana picked up her skirts and tuned to run back to her Doctor's TARDIS, positively beaming. She was ready and willing for any adventure with the man she now knew would someday return her feelings of affections.

* * *

**_THE END._**

**More stories from me soon! ;) **


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